Follow your gut feeling

Content warning: description of sexual assault, sexual abuse by a family member, gaslighting, family members’ disbelief, victim blaming, mention of childhood sexual abuse, estrangement, death of abuser

Always follow your gut feeling.

It happened four years ago when I was sexually assaulted by my grandad. I was close to him and visited him regularly but one day when I visited him alone, he was talking inappropriately asking to pretend I do not class him as a grandad and to close my eyes, let him go on top of me to his dirty work, also mention what/why he liked my body. I felt so scared and uncomfortable; I told him he should not think of me that way since I'm his granddaughter.

He kept nagging me to go visit him and I thought to myself just do it once and he will leave me alone and beside he hasn't got much longer to live and just do it to get rid of him. Back then, I was in a relationship with my ex bf who didn't believe me, saying I was silly and just to go see him. I wish I followed my gut feeling and none of this would have happened.

On a Sunday I went to see him even though I knew in my stomach and my mind I felt something was going to happen. I uncomfortably sat next to him and his first words were “you want to play?” .I said “what do you mean?”. He started to play with my breast, stroking it and said, “play like this”. I froze in fear, felt sick to my stomach. I quickly got up, started to cry, shaking in fear. He said that was why I came to see him for play and some money. I said I came to see you because you are my grandad. 

I straight away said this is wrong and this is sexual assault, deep in my mind I knew if he didn't get up, he would have continued. I could see panic in his eyes; he was saying sorry and would not let me leave his house, made me sit down and mentioned he does not get much sex from his wife, my nana. I made excuses to leave, drove home and as soon as I set foot in my house I burst into tears.

Explained it to my ex and he really didn’t believe it. I realised he shoved £200 in my pocket, I felt so dirty and shocked. I rang a family friend who had been like my dad, I told him everything that happened. I knew my mum was close to my grandad, so my dad decided to go visit my mum to tell her everything that has happened because I didn't have the courage to tell my mum and our relationship isn't the greatest. I know this was hard for her to take in when she got told the truth. 

My mum confronted her dad about the situation, and his excuse was he didn't mean to and he tried paying her for her silence. Unfortunately, it has been four years since it happened and my mum still talks and sees him, like it has been pushed under carpet and like nothing has happened. A couple years later my sister and my grandad’s wife found out. The only excuse she had was that he had dementia then but he didn’t. Also, he tried to cover his back by making rumours that I threatened him with money, and I used to sit on his lap when I was little; he said I rocked on his lap and I knew what I was doing. I was only little, my aunty jumped to my defence saying I was only little and it shows you he was thinking of her that way like a pedo. I'm 30 now and makes me sick to my stomach that he thought of me that way from when I was little. 

Surviving afterwards: After the assault happened, I felt like only my fake dad believed me and my aunty at the time. I did mentally struggle, and I wish I went to the doctors to ask for help. I was depressed, I was having nightmares every night, having negative thoughts daily and I was scared to go near anyone or show emotions in case I ended up like my grandad. From this I pulled myself together, I left my ex and met someone who truly loves me and believes in me and encouraged me to stand up for myself. I started to become creative with art to help my mind and emotions. I do admit after four years I am still frustrated that my family still pushed it under the carpet and my mum still has something to do with him, really, she should of cut him out. I would have done if that had happened to my daughter, whether you’re an adult or not. He died this year and karma has come to him but even his death, none of the family talk to me and my mum still has pushed it under the carpet. You don’t need negative people like that. Trust yourself and others that love and support you. 

I want to say to those who are survivors of sexual assault that you’re not alone, don’t doubt yourself or feel shame; you are a strong person, and there are things out there that will help your mind and emotions. We are the winners, fighters because in the end, the person who has done it will have karma in place for them. Trust me, my grandad got karma coming his way. 

Be strong, be a fighter, protect yourself and shine your way. 

Thank you for reading my story and I hope I have helped others.