Time's Up

TW: sexual assault & rape

i was in 2nd grade the first time a male classmate commented on my body. he said my legs were too hairy.

in middle school, my fathers coworkers began commenting on photos of me that suggested we have guns at the ready.

i was in 7th grade the first time i was asked to have sex. when i said no, he said, “c’mon, it’ll only take 10 mins.” this was also the year that boys started asking me to send them pictures of my body.

i was in 8th grade when i really took notice that my friends were being catcalled, but i wasn’t. i longed for the attention i wasn’t getting.

in high school, the bar was raised. with smartphones and the addition of yikyak, news spread like wildfire. many of my friends had photos of themselves distributed around the school, without their knowledge.

i was in 9th grade the first time one of my brothers friends started to flirt with me. i was confused, here was the attention i had been longing for, yet i felt uneasy with where it was coming from.

i was 16 the first time i had sex. i had only kissed boys prior. i felt pressured to take this step, with a boy who consistently screwed me over, yet somehow always made me come crawling back. i convinced myself to go through with it, just to get it over with and get the first time out of the way.

after that, i realized that sex was pretty much the only thing that people wanted from me, so i went along with it. there were times that i felt uncomfortable with what was going on, but they’d always hit me with the smooth talk & i’d be roped back in.

that is coercion and manipulation.

i was 17 when my boyfriend of 9+ months broke up with me by ghosting me. in the following months, i was deemed “crazy” for wanting a simple explanation/closure.

i was 18 when i was raped and sexually assaulted by two separate people in one night. at the time, i didn’t know it was rape. in my head, rape was violent & left clear evidence (bruises, scratch marks, etc). i thought i got really drunk and managed to hook up with a college boy. the second part of the night though, always made me uncomfortable. i was sleeping in a guys room, on an unfamiliar college campus, when he climbed into bed with me & proceeded to do who knows what with my unconscious body.

i was 19 when one of my dear friends was raped by someone in our friend group. the two of us were then excluded from the group, leaving us feeling rather hopeless and that justice wouldn’t be served. ultimately, it wasn’t. the school stopped caring & he was free to continue his education.

it was that night that it finally all made sense and that i, myself, had been raped. memories began flooding back, repeating on a loop like a vhs with its film stuck. i genuinely think i was slipped something that night. i had been responsibly spacing my drinks out and didn’t let my drink out of sight. and then suddenly i couldn’t stand on my own.

i was 20 when i met a guy on tinder and felt pressured to have sex with him because he was already at my house and i didn’t want him to be mad at me. this is far from everything.

i walk down the streets in fear. i dread traveling by myself. i fear men all around me.

this is me reclaiming my life. sadly, this isn’t just my story. this is about so much more. ask any woman you know.

men, i urge you to speak up and have the difficult talks with your friends, coworkers & family members. don’t let them degrade women. call them out.

for those that say, “we need some good news! there’s so much bad going on.” please stop, you’re part of the problem. people are hurting and mourning and are just trying to live their damn life. don’t you want your children & grandchildren growing up in a world that is actually joyous & just?

to those that have trusted me enough to share their own story, i thank you. to those that haven’t, it is okay to not be ready. healing isn’t a linear path. you are so strong and i believe you. remember that you hold the power. i hope that by sharing my own story, i am able to save someone years of confusion.

please feel free to send me a message if you want someone to talk to. it doesn’t even have to be about this post.

here are some resources that have helped with my healing journey:

After: Surviving Sexual Assault (podcast on Spotify)

The Healing Center through Aurora hospitals

Reddit: r/sexualassault (although at times can be triggering)

RAINN (a sexual assault hotline that connects you with a trained staff member) USA number 800.656.HOPE (4673)