Job Insecurity
I was assaulted in 2017 by a coworker - let’s call him “Joe” for the sake of the story. Joe did have some power over my work position but I did not see this as a red flag at the time. When we met there was instant chemistry. I had dated before but this was the first person that I actually felt attracted to at first sight. I hate that he, of all people, made me feel that way…
On our first date we met at a bar after work. We walked around a park late at night when he pushed me onto a bench and took my top off. I didn’t stop him because I was drunk. It was uncomfortable but thankfully it ended with him walking me home.
The situation then turned into work-friends-with-benefits for a few months. Joe would change my schedule and find ways for us to be together at night. I was flattered at first. But then there were many times when I didn’t want to see him after work. However, since we left together, it always turned into sex. I felt I owed him this.
Then a female coworker invited me out for drinks after work (a relief to spend time with her, or so I thought). But she ended up telling me that Joe was in a serious relationship, and had been for over a year. She also told me that she occasionally has sex with Joe after work. I couldn’t tell if she was warning me to stay away, or inviting me to a threesome due to her tone, but I was extremely uncomfortable and left not knowing who or what to believe.
Right then, I should have known that he uses women and I should have ended the “relationship.” But instead, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked him to talk. He told me that the coworker was lying and that they only had sex a few times in the past. He said “she must be jealous of what we have.” Then he invited me over. I said yes and…
When we had sex it was really good. But that night was different. Joe put a pillow over my face and held it there. I was so scared and tried to kick him off but he replied “I’m so close.” I did manage to get the pillow off, gasping for air, as he came.
I ignored his texts for a while until another coworker asked me “how was the concert with Joe?” - I had no idea what she was talking about. But I found out that he was telling coworkers about going to a concert with a girl that shared my name. My female coworker that had tried to warn me about Joe months before was, of course, right. He was lying to me and was in a long-term relationship. Oddly enough, he was in a serious relationship with another girl who has the same name as me.
My schedule then suddenly changed. I now had no shifts with Joe or any of the “friends” I had made at work. I felt ashamed, violated and embarrassed to step foot into work. I remembered feeling like I was walking around with a scarlet A on my chest. I felt guilty and stupid for being the “mistress” in this odd love triangle. I was paranoid 24/7.
I think I was so depressed at that point that I stopped caring. A month or so went by, I got an IUD, had a few one night stands and started drinking (a lot). Then Joe messaged me that he missed me and wanted to take me out for brunch. I thought maybe he broke up with his girlfriend , that he may have changed. I didn’t care. I was lonely.
I went over his place and he was being very kind, asking about what I’d been up to, giving me a massage. Then he asked if I wanted to have sex. I said “yes but with a condom.” He agreed and laughed. A sarcastic “okay”. He pushed me onto the bed and began having sex without a condom. No foreplay like usual. I was trapped. I had been tricked.
I remember saying “No” and kicking him, hitting him, trying to get him off repeatedly. Then he put his hands around my neck and pinned me down with his body. There was blood on the sheets. It hurt and felt warm. I thought I was going to die. I had flashbacks to childhood memories and I thought of my mom.
But I realised that I needed to stop fighting to keep myself safe. When I stopped kicking and hitting him, his grip around my neck lessened and I could breathe a little better. He finished having sex. I was finished being raped. I laid awake in his bed all night. I thought many times of calling an Uber home. But I was afraid if he woke up he would rape me again. So I lay there all night, too afraid to move. In the morning we went to brunch like he promised. I pretended to be happy and not terrified.
He walked me to work. Once I got there I ran to the bathroom to vomit and cry. I remember feeling numb but also completely free. I knew then that I would never be seeing Joe ever again. The worst was over. It felt like a burden had been lifted. I finally realised he was dangerous and I deserved better. I quit that job shortly after.
I didn’t tell friends or anyone until weeks later and when I did, just said that “he didn’t use a condom.” Which wasn’t a lie. But it was too hard to go into detail. I had to wear turtlenecks that month because of the bruises on my neck. I wish I could have recognised the red flags or gone to the police. But I was full of shame and felt like it was my fault. His power over my job also made reporting a lot trickier.
I hid it from even myself and numbed myself with more one night stands and alcohol. Then, on Halloween night, I developed severe pelvic pain. It turned out I had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease from untreated Chlamydia. I was sure it was Joe who gave it to me because the other people used condoms when I asked them to - they didn’t rape me.
But I still called three men (Joe included) to tell them about this. The worst type of “Trick or Treat” phone call ever. The first man responded well. The second was upset and said that I “broke his heart.” Lastly was Joe. I should not have bothered with him. He didn’t deserve it. But I texted him “Can we talk?” He then proceeded to call me every 10 minutes for the next few hours…
Looking back it makes me smile to know he spent a full day in agony. He, for once, had no control over me. This made him enraged. I got many nasty texts that day. When I finally called him he didn’t pick up. We played phone tag and finally talked at 12am when he was ready. The call went as you would expect. But I hung up first. Then it was finally over.
I felt so broken then, but I am so happy now. I received therapy for my anxiety and PTSD. I’m in a loving relationship and have cut back on my drinking. I have two amazing jobs and supportive managers. One of my positions is working as a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner - I love being able to help other victims and learn from them in every case.
Art featured by Rhea Hanlon. Instagram: @rhea _ hanlon _art
