An Open Letter to my Rapist...
TW: rape/sexual assault
An Open Letter To My Rapist…
You raped me. I was intoxicated and vulnerable and you took advantage. I will never forgive you, but unfortunately I can understand it. You see men like you dominate society, you make up the majority, you sycophants, you insecure monsters. Rape is enforcing physical power over someone else, and it has been used as a tool throughout history. Rape isn’t really about sex, it isn’t about physical enjoyment, it is about power.
You raped me. You raped me without even realising it, sometimes that’s worse. You fucking neanderthal. I pleaded with you, you heard me. You responded. You kept on going. You knew what you were doing. But what I know is that you’ll have to live with that forever.
You raped me. Now you know you raped me. You put me through pain, fucking agonising torture. I hated myself. There were times I wanted to put stones in my pockets and just wander into the ocean. I hope you never have peace. I hope you suffer. I hope you have a conscience and I hope it tortures you forever.
You raped me. Because of you I had to go to court. They told me I wasn’t lucky. You got your case to court, you’re so brave, you’re fighting the bastards. You’re fighting the fight. You’re so strong. Well, court crushed me, court crushed me more than you raping me ever could.
You raped me. Once privately, once publicly. In court I felt like I was being raped all over again but instead of blanking it out, shutting my brain off, barely remembering it, it was all there, it was brash and bold and garish and cruel and I couldn’t run or hide.
You raped me. In that courtroom you had your second round. You and them and the court and jury and the judge against one. I was isolated. I was behind a fucking curtain. Your family was there. Your girlfriend was there. Where was my support…. Three floors up unable to be there because you were taking up the entire room.
You raped me. It’s been almost 3 years and you don’t even realise the amount of suffering you have caused. Where is your apology. Where is your remorse. Well I don’t have time for it. I’m building myself up, scarier and stronger than ever, and when I come for you, you will be terrified and you will be hiding and you will wish you had never ever committed that crime. I won’t come at you with violence, I won’t ever publicly name you. I will never personally seek you. But you will know I am there. I will be your worst nightmare. I will be there in every corner of your mind. There will be no way for you to run away.
You raped me. Because of that you will suffer. When i come for you, the world won’t know. Only you. I will use words, i will use my intelligence, my kindness, my empathy and my strength to fight for something that is so much bigger than you. I will make myself publicly heard about the wrongs of rape. The injustice of the justice system. The horrific ways in which we manipulate and use rape victims in order to boost a courtroom statistic. I was dropped after court, to pick up the messy pieces on my own. And now I will fight for change.
You raped me. I am so much more than a victim of rape. What you did does not define me..
You raped me. You will always be, firstly and fore-mostly, a rapist. You will never be anything more. You have no name. You are defined by what you have done.
You raped me. Has it sunk in yet?
You raped me. Do you see how I’m still standing?
You raped me. Do you still feel powerful?
You raped me. Rapist.
You raped me. Now go fuck yourself, I’ve got better things to do.
Image used: Maria Laura Fedi @marialaura_fedi