Speak out and seek support

TW: date rape, mental health

My story

I was in my first year of university and after a night out I went back to a guys house, he was a mutual friend. I was intoxicated and passed out, only to wake up to him trying to have sex with me. I told him to stop and that it hurt but he didn't listen. He continued to force himself onto me despite my pleas for him to stop, eventually once he had finished he stopped. I was completely undressed but I had no recollection of where my clothes were. I asked "Where are my clothes?" and he completely ignored me. I passed out again and its hard to remember the entire incident due to broken consciousness. The next thing I remember is waking up and he was now asleep, I tried to escape and frantically searched for my clothes but they were nowhere to be seen. I was shaking and hysterical so ran to the next room trying to cover myself. I felt humiliated as I awoke one of his housemates and begged them to help me leave but they were infuriated and told me to go back to bed and what the hell was I doing walking around naked. No one would listen to me. They took me back to my rapists bedroom and I waited anxiously for him to awaken. I fell back asleep still incredibly intoxicated. Eventually in the morning I awake to find him sat in a chair at the bottom of the bed, in an almost predatory manner. I felt terrified and asked him once again "where are my clothes?" He did not reply. I asked him "How do I get home from here?" He shrugged. I begged him to tell me and eventually he returns my clothes to me without saying a word. I left the house as quickly as I could, in shock. I felt numb and dirty and tried to contemplate the events and the humiliation that I felt. I ran to the nearest and most familiar place I could see which happened to be a shop nearby to try and find some sense of familiarity and comfort and got a taxi. In the back of the taxi I phoned my mum, not to tell her about anything that had happened but to seek some sort of comfort from a familiar voice. I kept what had happened to myself until I arrived back at my flat. My housemate and best friend approached me seemingly unhappy. She said "What on earth went on last night. I had someone off of my course message me to say that they found you naked and in a state". And with that I just broke down, humiliated and terrified and told her everything.

Three years later, I am recovering and I have learned to deal with the events that happened to me, but it wasn't an easy journey. One thing I do want to say is that it is so so important to seek support, tell someone close to you - which I did with my best friend. Once she knew she was incredibly supportive and was there for me. Also contacting rape crisis was one of the best decisions that I ever made, they were able to offer me so much support to deal with things. The most scary thing for me was what peoples opinions of me would be. One person said "Well you didn't go round there for a cup of tea, did you?" and the sad truth is that some people do have that kind of attitude towards it. However, just because you went home with someone it does not mean that is consent and I cannot stress enough how important it is to reach out if you need help and have experienced something similar.

I suffered with bad mental health after the incident but I now have come to terms with it and how to cope with such a traumatic event. Speak out and seek support if you need to - because you are never alone, no matter how alone you may feel.