Access to Records
‘They had no clue’
Emma Lewis, a member of the Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse’s Victims and Survivors Consultative Panel, reveals how harrowing it was to finally access her childhood care records
Accessing your records can be such a glorious but harrowing experience at the same time.
It answers questions you’ve been asking for the majority of your adult life, but also makes you question everything you remember.
Your personal records - be it care, social services or medical - can be the key to your identity. But they can also make you wonder who you would have been if all of those words weren’t floating around on hundreds of pieces of old, discoloured typewritten paper. The Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse has held a series of events across the country where victims and survivors have shared their experiences around access to records, and discussed suggestions for change. The issue has been raised repeatedly both by people struggling to access their records and those who find it difficult to read them when they do.
“Bossy and greedy” are the two words which really stick out at me in my own care notes, they hurt when I first read them in 2001 and they still hurt now. They were placed there by professionals who had no true understanding of what I had been through as a child. They had no clue that I would often hide amongst the clothes in Tesco stuffing sweets and crisps into my swimming bag, making a rush for the door before the security guard could catch me. They had no idea that on many an evening I would stand in the chip shop at closing time and ask if they could give me the crunchy crispy bits floating in the fryer for free because my stomach yearned for food and there was none at home. They also weren’t there when I would sign the word for “money” to my deaf mother’s seedy punters before they even entered the house, in the hope they would give me a pound so I could go and buy food.
Almost every day was a fight for survival and I genuinely took what I could, when I could because I simply didn’t know when it was coming next.
I suppose I was “bossy” as a child, I had no option but to be. My mother was profoundly deaf and for the majority of the time, I was her carer, attending doctors and benefit appointments with her, signing and lip reading, ensuring that people could understand her but most importantly that she could understand them. It took every ounce of my strength to try to act confident as a six-year-old child when drunk strangers were in my house, stealing food and toilet roll. Or when I had to regularly climb onto the window sill of my home after school and use a flat knife to prise open the aluminum window because no one was home again, whilst neighbours watched and whispered. But I was never “bossy” or confident enough to tell someone what was truly going on in my home, the horrific things I experienced and witnessed, and the abuse I was suffering.
I am extremely fortunate to have a copy of my care records. They are housed in a very secure box tucked firmly down the side of my wardrobe - it’s my way of ensuring they don’t seep into my home, my family and my life again. But they are there when I need to refer to them and when I want clarification that the things I remember happening were real and not my fault.
I have met many people, mainly care leavers, who have sadly not been able to access their records. They’re often told that they’re lost, damaged, or housed in another authority’s basement and can’t be found at this precise time. I’ve heard many victims state that the record of the crime committed against them simply doesn’t exist on relevant databases or the injury reported by them not placed on their medical records. When will professionals understand the effect this has on our mental and emotional wellbeing? The stress and anxiety caused can be immeasurable but it also makes us question every fibre of our being... Did those events really occur? Did those horrendous things really happen to me?
By not recording effectively, robustly and concisely, professionals inevitably give weight to the perpetrators and support the dangerous idea that victims might be simply lying. We humans need validation of our thoughts, feelings and memories and when that is taken away from us, we question our identity and our very existence.
As someone who works with care experienced young people, I advocate the importance of positive recordings. Professionals often forget that these young people will one day reach adulthood and request to read the statements made about them.
I am passionate about ensuring the use of appropriate, enabling and positive language within care notes. I am pleased to say that change has been made in most areas but so much more work needs to be achieved. I still sadly see words such as “lazy” and “fat” when professionals refer to young people and it shows a complete lack of understanding of the harrowing experiences that some of them have been through.
In my case, a guardian ad litem who had only known me for a few days was obviously horrified by the recordings of other professionals and family members and took the opportunity to rectify that in court documents. I consider her report on me and my family as my personal childhood bible. It offers empathy, genuine care and a clear understanding of my family and our needs. But most importantly it is a validation of me, my needs and my experiences and it allows me to truly make sense of my childhood and the impact it has had on me. For that, I am truly grateful.
The Inquiry’s Victims and Survivors Forum is gathering views on access to records. You can register for the Forum here.
The following quotes are from care leavers about accessing their records:
“I had no clue what I needed to do to get my information, only found out from my advocate. I really needed to know what my files said as I felt like I didn’t have a full picture of my life and still didn’t believe some of what my family was telling me. It was a really tough read and I was offered support to go through it but I wanted to do this on my own. I am glad I requested them and would encourage other young people to do it. I feel I have a clear idea of what went on but am just sad that only now I know everything”.
“Accessing my files was something I was told I could do but I wanted to wait until my life was stable as I knew there was some stuff in there I wouldn’t like. My YPA helped me go through six files worth of paper, there was loads of it. It was hard as bits were blacked out and I struggled to make sense of it but my YPA was able to help. There was loads of jargon in it I didn’t understand so I needed help to work out what things meant. I feel like I was labelled lots in my files like I was naughty or challenging… there were reasons for this but that was missing I felt. Yes I did run away lots but I was scared and I told social that but that wasn’t in there was it. I’m glad I read them but also they made me feel angry that I wasn’t listened too enough and you couldn't really hear my voice in what was written”.
“I wanted to access my files as I have no real memory from before I was 16. I have a bad relationship with my family and they often blame me now as a 25 year old that it was my fault I went into care. When I was in court as my daughter was subject to Care Proceedings my solicitor had access to some of my information but said there was stuff in there that they didn’t think I should be told at that time. Only now that I have an advocate do I know that I had a right to have that information and the solicitor shouldn’t have withheld it from me, my minds working overtime now wondering what on earth has happened… was I abused way but then that wasn’t brought up in court and it would have been if they felt I couldn’t protect my daughter due to my own experiences. These adults have so much power and I have a learning difficulty so didn’t think anyone would take notice if I fought them about this stuff. I’m now waiting to have this information from social services and my advocate is making sure that they are keeping to timescales as she has told me they have to do it in a month”.
“I accessed my records as I wanted to be clear of the reasons I went into care and also why my siblings were adopted. Having this info helped me feel less angry but also encouraged me to try and locate my adopted siblings. As a result of knowing what happened in my earlier life I was supported to liaise with the local adoption team and I know have contact with my siblings who were adopted. I feel even though what I read was sad and depressing I now have a true story of events that took place and I no longer need to guess or attempt to fill in the blanks and now have my siblings back in my life”.
“When I accessed my records I had no issues as such. Its was a few years ago and I only found out by accident that I was entitled to read them. I didn't like the fact that I wasn't left alone to read them because it took me quite a while and there was some stuff in there I found upsetting. My social worker was great through the entire process and I have to say if it wasn’t for him I would never have known about being able to access my records. I think the whole thing is easier now but I’m not sure how pleasant it is.”
