Janet's Letter
Content Warning: child sexual abuse, child abuse, neglect, psychiatric hospitals
Letter to the man who raped me on New Year’s Eve when I was 9 years old
I honestly don’t know where to start. I have stared at this screen for quite a while now. The anger goes so, so deep and I am very tired. In fact, I’m exhausted from it all being turned at myself.
I do not know your history. I don’t care to know your history. I do know that hurt people hurt others, so there was probably significant hurt in your family history. I doubt you were born into the disgusting man you turned into. I want to forgive. I truly do because it only hurts me. It doesn’t hurt you at all. In fact, I doubt that I ever even cross your filthy mind. That is if you are even still alive. If you are dead, I hope you asked for mercy and forgiveness before you died.
What you did to me haunts me every single year as New Years Eve rolls around. A time when a lot of people are probably melancholy - but for me, that time floods my mind with what you did to me. I feel the fear in my body. I feel the absolute terror when you raped a 9-year-old little girl. My granddaughter is 10, older than I was when you abused my body. When you abused my very soul and caused so much shame, so very much shame. I work so hard at letting go of that shame.
What for you was a mere half hour of perverse pleasure - was it pleasure? What was a half hour for you is a lifetime for me. For the young girl who had already had so much taken from her. You must have known that, being my dads “friend” or “dealer”, or whatever you were to each other. You didn’t seem as high as my dad. You had violence and viciousness in your eyes. Well, at least that’s how I remember it. Who knows?
Yanking a 9 year old’s clothes off. What the fuck? How could you do that?! How? Shoving your adult sized body parts into a child’s body parts?? Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy my tears? Did you enjoy my screams for help? Did you enjoy my terror? Did you enjoy knowing you made me bleed? Did you enjoy slapping my face? Did you enjoy telling me to shut up? Did you enjoy it when my own dad wouldn’t come help me? Did you enjoy that he paid for his drugs with his 9-year-old daughter? Did you enjoy knowing that no one else in our tiny house came to help me – probably out of their own fear?
Because if you didn’t enjoy it, what was the purpose? What was the purpose of it all? I am so grateful that I never killed myself over YOU. Over what you did to me. I spent a few NYE in psychiatric hospitals to prevent that. I wonder if you would even care about all the pain you’ve caused me. I doubt it. And, to be honest, why would you and why does it even matter to me? It doesn’t matter that you didn’t care. It doesn’t even matter to me that you brutally hurt me physically and emotionally. It doesn’t even matter to me that no one came to help me. It doesn’t matter to me that no one can ever rescue me from this pain. No one. And believe me, I have looked for someone to take this fucking pain away my whole life.
You know what the truth is? I AM THE ONLY ONE that can rescue me now. I wish I could say that you have no more power over me. I wish that so very much. But the facts are that you don’t have half as much power over me as you used to. You know why? Because I am here for that little girl, which of course is me. I am here for me. I have a voice now. I don’t need anyone to rescue me. I have people that accept me and care for me and love me, and who I accept and care for and love. I sometimes forget all of that, but I have tools to help me remember. You aren’t the last word in my life. You aren’t even any words in my life anymore. You are just a ghost and you can’t hurt me anymore. I will get through this NYE like I always have. It may be challenging. There might be tears, sadness, fear and pain. But it won’t last. And not only won’t it last, you will be less in my mind than ever before. I will make sure that I am supported, I will make sure I have some fun, and I will make sure I am safe and with people who love me.
Wherever you are, dead or alive, I don’t wish you anything. I don’t wish you well and I don’t wish you pain. Because you DON’T MATTER enough to me for any of that. I don’t have that kind of energy. My energy is going towards that little girl and I am going to help her heal, despite you. She deserves that. She never deserved you. I may have to revisit this anger from time to time - and that’s ok. This is a start. It is a start to put this anger and shame where it belongs….to the rapist who viciously attacked me. That’s where it belongs.
Janet Bentley is an author, speaker and advocate. She is the founder of Courageous Survivors, offering support to survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse. You can find out more about her at janetbentley.com.
