What I Want to Tell Them When they Ask “What Do You Want us to Do?”

Sadly, it always begins the same way. 

Yes, I was sexually assaulted.  

Yes, I am a woman, and I was harmed by a man. 

Yes, I filed a report after it happened. 

And yes, I am doing therapy.  

I am from Thailand, living in Lisbon, doing a Master’s in Social Psychology  that focuses specifically on social justice and equality.  

A Master’s that is filled with amazing activist scholars from around the world.  

The guy who abused me is one of them. 

So are the people who retraumatize me.  

After it happened, word spread around within the group.  

I decided to talk about it openly since this is my story, 

and I take a bit of my power back each time I do. 

Because everyone knows both me and him, 

some are closer to him than to me, 

Oftentimes people ask me “What do you want us to do?” 

Several times I said “Thanks for asking me”  

But what else could I say? 

How about “I don’t care”? 

How about “It should be your responsibility to think of what you should do.  You are pushing your emotional burden to me  

and putting me in a very difficult position”? 

Especially when you ask just to disagree  

with the answers I was struggling to give.  

“But if you get to know him better, he’s also a good person” “He is my friend and I’m also supporting him through this process.  Are you okay with it?” 

“What he needs is rehabilitation and a second chance, not hatred.  It’s not that black and white.” 

“As a feminist, I think the real problem is patriarchy, not him.  So why can’t you join us in the bigger fight?”

Suffocatingly, my brain and heart try to gather words.  

Because I never asked to be sexually assaulted 

and yet I still have to deal with what he did to me every single day,  including having to engage in these kinds of conversations with you that intentionally and clearly neglect my feelings.  

All I want is justice. 

Is that too much to ask?  

Because to me, he is never a friend.  

He is someone who purposely refused to hear me when I said ‘no’. He is someone who purposely violated my body.  

So yes, it is that black and white.  

Because he is an abuser. 

And he committed a crime.  

So how does it make you feel supporting the perpetrator? I guess it doesn't make you feel too good.  

That's why you are here asking for redemption from the first place.  Well, you’re not going to get my blessings.  

Because you should always support survivors  

even in times when it’s practically or cognitively inconvenient for you.  

Please don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate him.  

He doesn’t deserve to have that much power in my life.  I am not going to give him that.  

And I do hope he will change. 

But as a survivor, his growth is not mine to worry about.  We are all responsible for our own morals and improvements.  So I am still holding my ground, 

because there’s something called ‘accountability’

I’m not any less feminist than you, and vice versa.  

But what is the point of being a feminist  

if you comfortably retraumatize a survivor of gender-based violence? I agree that patriarchy is an ass.  

But societal and individual levels of the problem are different  and should be approached differently.  

This is, in numerous ways, extremely individual and personal. You can’t come and force your activist toxic positivity on me.  You have no right to tell me to forgive him.  

You cannot criticize how I deal with my trauma.  

You cannot invalidate my suffering and experience,  

not with your ‘knowledge’, 

not with your ‘critical thinking skills’.  

“What do you want us to do?” 

I want you to listen.  

I’m not suffering just to be your study case.  

So this is not a place for your opinions. 

It’s time to listen and respect my voice. 

And if you understand how much I have to go through, that some days even therapy doesn’t seem to be helpful enough, hopefully you would know that it’s not worth it to support a perpetrator  under this rape-culture society  

where so many survivors blame and shame themselves every day.  

I am healing and growing. 

I embrace myself with so much compassion and pride. I know I deserve to be happy and enjoy living my life. And I am much more than just a survivor. 

But for the record,  

none of your ideological arguments  

and what you are doing  

have contributed to this beautiful process. 

In fact, they have been incredibly antagonistic.

So if you were wondering about my opinion on what you should do,  answer these questions: 

If you stand with him,  

how can you not normalize sexual violence? 

If you stand with him,  

how can I feel supported and believed? 

If you stand with him,  

for whatever reason,  

how can you not be a part of the problem? 

Aim Pichayapohn